During the conference I had a very uncomfortable conversation with a woman who was “dressed to kill,” as the saying goes. More specifically, she was undressed to kill. This woman was very annoyed by the whole event. “You know, rabbi,” she sighed, “I am so sick and tired of men looking at me like a piece of meat.” I did not know what to say, other than, “So why do you dress like a piece of meat?” But I thought, what is the point? So I said to her, “You know what happens at these singles events? Everybody is looking for more. They are looking for an attractive person, and I can assure you that there will always be somebody more handsome and beautiful than whom they’ll find. They are looking for someone very intelligent, and I can assure you that there is always going to be someone more intelligent. They are looking for someone funny, and I can promise you that there is somebody even funnier. They are looking for someone successful, and I can guarantee you that there is someone even more successful.”

When you view people from the outside, sizing then up externally, I explained to her, you will always find someone more beautiful, more intelligent, funnier or more successful. But when you look at someone on the inside, when you look at their true self, their soul, you will never find anyone who can compare. And if you let people see your soul then they will never find anyone who can compare to you.

When you deal in the realm of the soul, however, you quickly realize that no one in the world is alike. Kabbalah teaches that the soul, your true I is none other than a spark of God, so to speak, and therefore you are absolutely unique and incomparable. And when you relate as a soul to another soul your true self radiates a warm and brilliant divine light. Your true individuality shines out.

Kabbalah teaches that souls are really only interested in and attracted to souls. The only thing that attracts us to another person is not a thing at all. It is the spiritual, the essence, the divine—the ‘you’. The more that you can reveal yourself as a soul, the easier it will be to find your soul mate. People are not looking for their body mate; they are looking for their soul mate. But we create shtick around ourselves. We delude ourselves and put on psychological clothing that don’t fit. We assume certain ways of speaking and acting that get in the way of letting our soul shine out.

I saw a comic strip from “Fifth St.” that depicts two young disheveled-looking guys who are giving each other advice about love, dating and marriage. One says to the other, “I am basically looking for a girl who will love me for who I think I am.”

I know a lot of people who unknowingly have this problem. Rather than being real with who they are, they are lost in their self-delusions. Personal growth begins with being real about who you are so that you can start the journey towards becoming the “me” you want to be.

Rabbi David Aaron, Founder and Dean of the Isralight Institute, is recognized internationally as an expert on the Kabbalah and is best selling author of:

Seeing God: Ten Life Changing Lessons of the Kabbalah

Endless Light : The Ancient Path of Kabbalah

The Secret Life of God: Discovering the Divine within You